Who is more important; your spouse or your child?

OK, maybe you shouldn't answer that question! But, after studying thousands of couples over two decades, the research of Dr. John Gottman shows that one of the main characteristics that happy couples share is that these couple's make their relationship a priority. The best approach to achieve this goal is to take 'baby steps."

Baby Step One: Stay Emotionally Connected

With the unprecedented amount of work that is parenting, it can seem there is zero time and even less energy left over to put one's relationship first. Enjoying and happy and successful marriage means building quality time into ordinary moments. If the baby is napping but there is a mountain of laundry to fold, ask your partner to turn off the tv and while you fold sheets together start the kind of conversation you rarely have time for anymore. "Is fatherhood as you imagined?" Or, "Where would they like to spend baby's first Yom Kipper?"

Successful couples create a culture of appreciation for one another and built this into their relationship in every day moments. Each couple creates their own unique family culture and can find distinctive rituals that fit their personality. One creative couple I work with celebrates a "romantic happy hour" every night before bed. During this time, each partner shares one thing that the other did that day that he or she appreciated. For example, "Jon thanks so much for remembering to pick up the dry cleaning. It slipped my mind and it feels great to know you've got my back."

Baby Step Two: Get Out Of The House

Take advantage of the free help from family and friends in the first few weeks after birth. Even the smallest step of going for a walk around the block, to go get a cup of coffee, or even just to bring in dinner together emphasizes to each other that you still are a connected team.

Mark your calendars 6 months (or less!) after your baby's due date and write: DATE NIGHT. From this date on, make date night a regular event and make sure that you and your partner take turns planning to take one another out.

Celebrate alone with your partner; you've made it through the first half year! It's time to make sure you put time and energy into sustaining a solid foundation for your family: your partnership. Shoshana's mother offered to watch the baby so that she and Jon could go out to dinner. While Jon was more than ready to go, Shoshana felt worried and guilty leaving her child. She equated being a good mother with never leaving her baby. Yet, with time to recharge and make a vital connection with her spouse, Shoshanna will be an even better mother to her child.

Remember; you're always just a cell phone call away!

With the new fiscal concerns that come with parenting, some couples still resist the price of date night; yet, there are many free ways to enjoy time together in San Diego. Shoshana and Jon's favorite date night was taking a picnic dinner to the beach and watching the sunset from a blanket on the sand. In the natural beauty of their town, this event gave them an opportunity to relax and reconnect.

Baby Step Three: Get Social

In addition, to alone time with your spouse, there is something wonderful about being social with your partner. "I love watching my husband in conversation and getting to see him as I did when we were first dating; I fall in love with him all over," says Sara mother of one. Alysa Kaplan, an active mother started a monthly couple's night as an integral part of her playgroup activities.

Potential Stumbling Blocks:
In my practice I hear two main barriers to having time without the baby over and over again. One is the cost and two is finding quality trustworthy childcare. A childcare swap solves both issues. Find another family who has a similar parenting style to your own or at your next playgroup meeting get out a calendar and make plans for a swap. One couple gets to go out while one mother or father heads to that couples house to watch their children and the next week swap roles. Set some time guidelines to make sure it's equitable and whaola-- free childcare that you can trust.

Parenting requires an enormous shift in the way we think about our lives. A great date used to mean a romantic weekend getaway and now it might be something much less alluring but if the building blocks to making time for one another are fortified by integrating quality couple time into your family culture, then you and your partner are creating and maintaining the best foundation possible from which your children will thrive.
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*A version of this article first appeared in the August Shalom baby e-newsletter.